The following recommendations are again based on the book entitled The Code of Trust: An American Counterintelligence Expert’s Five Rules to Lead and Succeed written by Robin Dreeke. Since the author spent decades as a senior FBI agent, he knows how to gain the trust of other people.
Validate the person you are talking to. Strive to find out what kind of human being they are and how they make or made their choices. People don’t need you to agree with everything they say; it is enough if you make it clear you accept them and understand what they are saying. This works everywhere.
1) Suspend your ego
The key to gaining trust is focusing on everyone else, not on yourself. Once your ego and vanity get in the way, it can hurt you. You will become insecure and fearful. This applies to every situation: the other person must be the main focus. Ego is not the cornerstone of success; that much must be clear. If you stand alone, you are useless, no matter how big a star you are. You need other people around you.
2) Be non-judgmental and validate others
Don’t judge other people: that would only provoke resistance. Try to understand them: people want to be valued and accepted. Be interested in their thoughts and opinions. That way, you validate and empower them.
Validation does not necessarily mean agreeing with someone. It is merely about trying to understand the person with whom you are interacting. It is important, however, that the tone of your voice and your body language does not come across as judgmental.
3) Reason
Leaders are good at allowing others to prosper; they understand other people's priorities and goals. But clarity of thought still requires emotional distance so, even in stressful moments, always put the emphasis on reason and ask such cognitive questions as: “How is what you’re doing a help or a hindrance in achieving your goals?”
4) Be generous
Understand how other people want you to show generosity. You may give them your time and very often that is enough. Again, the key is not to expect reciprocity.
A final remark on handling negative people
Negativity almost always stems from insecurity. By means of inappropriate behaviour, people try to demonstrate their value. Again, try to understand them. What is the source of their insecurity? Once you know that, you can start validating other aspects of these people. Everyone has both strengths and weaknesses.
Book
Dreeke, Robin and Stauth, Cameron: The Code of Trust: An American Counterintelligence Expert’s Five Rules to Lead and Succeed. St. Martin's Press, 2017, 384 pages
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